Why KJ Hamler’s biggest comeback wasn’t from ACL and hip injuries

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. — KJ Hamler returned to practice Monday, over 10 months after he tore an anterior cruciate ligament and dislocated his hip. His rehab work to reach this point was arduous.

But it paled in comparison with losing his grandmother — and internalizing the grief he felt. It took Hamler to a dark place, the type that at one time, few felt comfortable discussing.

“At one point, I was in a depressed state,” Hamler said after practice Monday. “Just climbing out of that hole. I have been just fighting my way out of there — asking for help, being vulnerable and trying to do what’s best.”

What pushed him to that state wasn’t simply the injuries that he suffered on a horrific play last September against the New York Jets. Nor was it the recovery that kept him home and off of his feet for a while.

It was the death of Hamler’s grandmother.

“At one point, I didn’t want to be here,” he said. “I didn’t want to be in this world. There was one point where I didn’t want to on Earth no more because I lost my granny and that really hurt me.”

She was the central figure in his life.

“That was my mother. My grandmother was my mother,” Hamler said. “I took her to get her hair done, took her to get food all of the time. Every time I came home, I seen her first. I called her every Monday. So, when I missed that call on that Monday and then we got the call on Saturday.

“It was three months after surgery. I was holding a lot of regret on myself about that. And it still kind of haunts me to this day, even though I am better. When you lose the woman that raised you, it’s just a different feeling.”

And Hamler tried to face it alone.

“At first, I didn’t talk to nobody,” he said. “I was just in a cocoon, wrapped up. I just kept everything to myself.”

The reason for that was something millions of men face: being trapped in a cul-de-sac of hoary, tired perceptions of masculinity — especially when it comes to mental health.

“I feel like, as a man, we always taught to be tough or just block everything out,” Hamler said. “You gotta be a man; you gotta be tough. That’s just not the prime example of a masculine man. Sometimes, you gotta let it out. Sometimes you need help, and I’m just starting to learn that now. At the end of the day, I talked more. I checked into therapy.

“I talk to my guys more, talked to my mom, talked to my dad and all the people that care about me here because I don’t got no family out here. [I’m] just trying my best to be a better version of myself.”

The therapy sessions helped — in part because they forced him to face some uncomfortable truths, from which he grew.

“Therapy has ups and downs,” he said. “Some days, you hear what you want to hear, and then some days, it’s not the stuff you want to hear. But that’s life. Life is not perfect. I’m not perfect, I’m human.”

And he’s embraced the human vulnerability that everyone has deep in their core. If he had to endure the events of the last year over again, he knows now that he would handle them differently — and that he would ask for help.

“Just not try to be this Mr. Tough Guy and get through it by myself,” Hamler said. “It’s OK to ask for help. I had to gradually learn that, slowly learn that. And it was hard for me, because I’m just so used to one thing and so used to doing something.

“So, used to being by myself and getting out of the hole by myself. So I’m just learning that and speaking to people and getting other people’s opinions.”

Including the opinions of quarterback Russell Wilson and his wife, Ciara.

“Even being around Russ and Miss C, there was one time I just talked to Miss C about life for like, two hours,” Hamler said. “You know what I mean? We’re talking about Pop Star.

And there were plenty of chats with Wilson, too. Some of them were “tough conversations,” Hamler noted. But they helped.

“They’ve really been a big help, and they don’t even know,” Hamler said. “Just being around them has brought me up, as well.”

Hamler will always miss his grandmother. But he knows that after his experience, he’s not alone. That he doesn’t have to internalize his pain, and can trust the people around him to provide an ear and an outstretched hand. And he knows when and how to seek help when he needs it.

“I’m getting better at just letting stuff out and being vulnerable,” Hamler said. “I think it’s a lot of people out there that’s in my situation or has been through stuff like that. You keep stuff held in, you just bottle it up and it just — it just keeps on piling on, piling on, until you explode, man. So I’m not afraid no more to just let it be known that I was going through these things

“We all human. We all going to have them up days, them down days. I know y’all know I’m a goofy person. I come out here and I laugh and smile, but it was one day on the field that I had to just go to the side and cry. You know what I mean?

“I’m not trying to tear up up here, but that’s just life, though.”

That’s life, indeed. And Hamler has never savored it more or been better prepared to tackle it than he is right now.

“It’s been a tough year, but y’all see me where I’m at right now,” he said. “Y’all see that I’m still here and I’m still working to be the best version of myself.

“So, I know everybody around here is proud of me. I’m proud of myself from where I came from: step 1 to right now. So, I’ll just keep pushing from there.”

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